Wednesday, September 9

Stairs of Descent

I'm confronting the notion that I am depressed. It's been going on since July and I'm at a bit of a loss.

Usually, I travel and that helps 'reset' things. Lately, the effort it would take to plan a trip to Spokane feels like too much. So many little things wrapped into that concept: I have 190 hours of vacation and not enough money, going feels like such a drag right now, because I don't want to drive 5.5 hours, getting time off of work seems like a hassle etc etc. 

I suppose part of this may be wrapped in a lady who I had put some hopes into and had things not work out. Relationships always tend to cast a shadow here & there. Still, nothing ended badly, I just have to concede that a sense of loneliness is contributing to my mental state. 

And this is partly why I'm avoiding anything that involves a relationship. I feel pathetic and weird. Uninhabitable. Unnecessary. 

It has come up a couple times, recently, that I behave in a resigned fashion in my romantic relationships. I have to admit there's a truth to that. I don't know what to do or say about it; what I want hasn't...worked out very well. 

If someone is going to cheat on me, they will. If someone wants to break up with me, they will. It doesn't matter what I want to do with the relationship if there isn't a common ground and if there is a common ground then why is there a dispute? 

I feel rather dejected about it all. Which, I suppose sums up how I feel about most things right now.

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