Thursday, September 10

Had to leave early

Bad brain doing bad brain stuff.

Was at a homebrew club meeting: had to go before it even properly started. Was peopled out super fast.

Someone asked me if I was up for company. Sex might've even been possible. But no. This is how things are when you have a weight in your brain.

I am hoping to get through it, to somehow emerge and it's just. not. happening. Seriously, is it just because it feels longer or is it actually longer? I've cut back on drinking, I've tried to get enough sleep, I've made sure I've been getting exercise and eating and...


I've been doing all the things I'm supposed to do and they are working, I suppose, in the sense that I haven't been getting worse but I don't seem to be getting better, either.

Wednesday, September 9

Stairs of Descent

I'm confronting the notion that I am depressed. It's been going on since July and I'm at a bit of a loss.

Usually, I travel and that helps 'reset' things. Lately, the effort it would take to plan a trip to Spokane feels like too much. So many little things wrapped into that concept: I have 190 hours of vacation and not enough money, going feels like such a drag right now, because I don't want to drive 5.5 hours, getting time off of work seems like a hassle etc etc. 

I suppose part of this may be wrapped in a lady who I had put some hopes into and had things not work out. Relationships always tend to cast a shadow here & there. Still, nothing ended badly, I just have to concede that a sense of loneliness is contributing to my mental state. 

And this is partly why I'm avoiding anything that involves a relationship. I feel pathetic and weird. Uninhabitable. Unnecessary. 

It has come up a couple times, recently, that I behave in a resigned fashion in my romantic relationships. I have to admit there's a truth to that. I don't know what to do or say about it; what I want hasn't...worked out very well. 

If someone is going to cheat on me, they will. If someone wants to break up with me, they will. It doesn't matter what I want to do with the relationship if there isn't a common ground and if there is a common ground then why is there a dispute? 

I feel rather dejected about it all. Which, I suppose sums up how I feel about most things right now.