Thursday, March 1

The second decade

This is the decade where I learned to be mean.

I don't entirely blame myself for this: my examples were poor, I was being mistreated in school, things were very, very difficult. It's certainly possible I could've become a kind person at that time in spite of it all but it was unlikely.

And so I wasn't. It was partly a way to keep people from humiliating me, partly a way to filter out who could be or wasn't my friend. It also put me in touch with my own darkness, or certainly brought it out, which is something I have to admit, I needed in order to understand myself better.

But I was not kind and I have a few regrets as a result.

I learned a bit about how to treat women, who had previously baffled me: like I would a man, was my decision. I learned that didn't always work out but it wasn't a bad place to start. I even ended up dating one, for the first time and what I learned from that could be its own short stage drama. So let's not go there.

I also learned how to tell a joke, how to find comradery in the trenches of shitty jobs, tell stories that people might want to hear, read books that let me know there was a more interesting world out there than I knew and probably most significantly, I learned about heavy metal.

Man, did I love heavy metal. Still do-it's one of those threads that wind through my life, even now, nearly twenty five years later. I still love heavy metal.

I'm not entirely sure what that says about me, except that when I love something I tend to love it for a long time. My favorite color is still green. Most of the few friends I've had I still have: there aren't many but they're still around, is the point.

That's pretty lucky.

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