Friday, June 10


I'm having trouble living in the now. Part of this just has to do with a general element of gloom that has settled on me for a few days.

But part of it is about the future. I have about $120 bucks left-after all the other bills are paid, to enjoy the month with. Assuming, of course, that everything else comes in at or if I'm fortunate, under, budget.

Last night at the OBC meeting, there was a call to go get a beer at the Green Dragon. I said I couldn't afford it and someone said, 'Hey, I'll catch you this time and you can get me next.' And I still had to say no, because there isn't going to be a 'next time' where I could afford to do such a thing.

Which is goddamn depressing. Everything I do has to take the next 30 days in mind. I am already meeting someone for a drink tonight, in order to get some writing going for the beer blog and the girlfriend and I are having pizza Saturday.

So...there goes $25-ish.

Everything I do has to be about the future. Nothing can be about the now because I don't have resources to fall back on, should the future throw curveballs. So I can't be happy about the future-it's just a gigantic space of 'what ifs'-and I can't be pleased to exist in the now because the now is presenting me with opportunities I cannot take advantage of.

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