Wednesday, July 1

Transformers 3: Return of the Primes

Although I haven't seen TF2, I've read enough reviews containing the 'plot' to know what happens. I understand it's not a movie in the sense that there is a story that somehow connects you from point A to D, so I don't feel weird about what I'm going to do next.

I'm going to tell you what's up for Transformers 3: Return of the Primes (which I'm making up as a title).

Blah blah blah explosions/stupid jokes/explosions/tits until the end when
1) Optimus Prime dies.
2) Giving Sam the last piece of the Allspark.
3) Everything is all but lost (including a special moment when Ultra Magnus, in an attempt to rip out Megatron's heart says, 'Open, damnit, OPEN!')
4) When Sam takes in the Allspark, saying to Mikela: 'Sorry'
5) Mikela screams: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (It will be her only line in the movie)
6) Then to Stan Bush's The Touch, (the original, not that abominable re-creation) Sam turns into RODIMUS PRIME.
7) And proceeds to Save the Motherfuckin' Day. (Which is why the Transformers in Transformer heaven sent Sam back; and Optimus keeps going on about Sam's destiny and all that other bullshit. Sam is Neo, except he becomes a machine.)

That's why the Transformers films focused on the humans instead of, you know, the awesome giant robots blowing everything the fuck up. It'll be Bay laughing at all of us because suddenly those first two piece of shit movies will have subtext and be about something: Man's transformation from boy to godlike robot that StMFD. This of course is a metaphor for how we need to lose ourselves in technology or perish. So in addition to demonstrating that Bay knows how to arrange a narrative arc, fanboys all over will forgive him because of Rodimus, and The Touch. (They shouldn't, but they will.)

When this happens; I want credit.


fuz said...

See, I thought it was going to be a pomo rom-com, with Optimus and Megatron both as the possible fathers of a new Transformer.

The mother? Starscream, natch.

DM said...

Coming soon, the Michael Bay romance!