Tuesday, December 26

The past again

Cave In-Jupiter
Melvins-Stoner Witch
The Sultans-Ghost Ship
Annie Lennox-Medusa
Van Halen-For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge

Yes, I'm aware that I bought Cave In's record this year. I'm trying to get a handle on if I like them or not. They're the kind of band that makes music that I'd make if I could. Lots of strange songs. Heavy most of the time, but trippy others. Great sense of lyrical playing around-maybe not great lyrics, but at least clever. And while I like the most recent album, Jupiter is supposed to be their best.

I think, though, they're a band I need to see live.

Everything else is pretty much out there. I'm starting to be pretty sure that FUCK is a not good Van Halen album. But I was 16 when it came out, and it's hard not to love Poundcake in the summertime. I'll probably keep it.

I was reminded today that women look at a guy's shoes. That they use this as a basis for what kind of man that person is.

I get that clothes make the person, frequently. As someone who utterly sucks at clothing selection, I just try to devolve my choices to the simplest things I can: jeans. T shirts. Black shoes, almost always tennis shoes (or 'trainers') because every other kind of shoe I've ever worn in my life hurts my feet, and I walk frequently and hard in my shoes. But also black shoes because they go with everything, short of a white outfit. Or so I thought.
Anything work related: slacks, hopefully darkly colored. Shirt with collar. Sweaters if I need them.

But it doesn't matter. None of this is simple, I'm told. My jeans should be different, so they show off my body. I shouldn't wear white socks with black shoes. A whole host of rules and things that I've got no knowledge of, and honestly, I wonder why I have to give a fuck. Who's making up these goddamn rules?

Nobody wants to be judged on how they look, right? Isn't this the mantra I keep hearing from women?

But we are judged on how we look. To an extent, I understand this; when we're talking about what's attractive to us, there is a visual element that cannot be denied. But there's always the slip, that moment where we cross from: that looks good to that's about them.

I hate it. I hate it that someone will look at my shoes or my shirt and decide things about me. Will see that I'm wearing white socks with my black shoes and think I look like an idiot. I don't think I look like an idiot, I'm just trying to avoid being mocked, but then again, I have to admit that my fashion knowledge is pretty much zero.


The other part of this is: I hate spending money on this shit. It seems so non-essential. Does this article of clothing fit? Is it comfortable? That's pretty much it for me, as far as it goes.
Well, ok: is it dark? Green, blue, purple (ha), black. Let's just stick with those colors, so I don't fuck anything up. White dress shirts are fine; those can't really be fucked up either. I don't like brown or beige or basically anything light-colored. White. That's it. I have a peach colored shirt that I pretty much wear at my peril, since I don't think I ever match the appropriate pants with it. I've got a yellow T that one of my sisters bought for me, but even she said that she knew I would only wear it for the slogan on the front.

Yes, yes; I could look for sales!
But that's just something else that I have to do that I don't want to do. Ebay for clothes. Great. I'm trying to drink here. Sometimes I even try to write.

And it's never just one thing. No. You can't just have pants that fit, because pants don't fit; you need a belt to make sure they stay on. You can't just have shoes that work, you need socks that go with your outfit. And on and on and on. More shit to keep track of. Does this belt go with the outfit? Is the shirt right? There is no; one thing fits all, or hell, I'd even accept 'most'.

They're clothes. They don't get me drunk, or laid; they exist to cover me from the cold, protect my feet from injury, and advertise band logos.

I don't need 3 pairs of shoes. I need shoes that don't hurt me when I walk 2.5 miles in 20 minutes. I need only 2 pairs of jeans; one to wear, and one to wear while the other is getting washed.

And since I'm not going to get it right, I'm going to have clothes pressed upon me: I'm entirely at the mercy of other people. I guess if I could learn it once, and then never have to think about it again, that would be ok, but mostly I just feel stupid, especially when I'm shown things I don't like (as with one ex-girlfriend) but there's an insistance that I look good in them, so I should wear them and like it. I don't like those clothes; why are you making me wear them?

It didn't matter. She knew more than I did, so I should suck it up. (Yes, I realize this has more to do with the kind of relationship I was in than it does about the clothes)

It's just: fuck man. The clothes are clean. They're all of some kind of evil dark shade. What more do you want?

And everyone tells me I should care about this. I suppose I do, but I'm just too utilitarian, and too cheap.

No. I take it back: I don't care about this, and I resent having to care about this. That's really the problem. Everyone else insists that this is important, and I don't see how having jeans that show off my ass will make me any happier. My opinion of what I look like won't change; I don't think I'm that attractive, nor that ugly. I just exist-a bit on the bland side, but nobody ever mistook me for cute, you know? Even if they did, I wouldn't want to be cute; cute is the worst thing to be. Cute is, in my experience, the female catch-all for anything they like; puppies, baby alligators, orchids, shoes, mini-cars, etc etc. It's the McDonalds word of good looks.

I'm happy just not looking like a dumbass. I think-maybe-I've accomplished this. That I have to pay attention to actually looking good, when I'm looking at far more difficult personal issues, confounds me. (Of course, one could argue that if I solve those personal issues, then I'll have to pay attention to fashion. Better to just stick with why unpleasant psychological issues. Less confusing.)

I guess the flip side of this is: I should give it a shot. Instead of resisting and insisting that everone else should accomodate me, I should just accept the advice of the well meaning, and do my best to try and get the things that someone else says looks good, that I can be OK wearing, and then buy that and hope I never have to deal with it again. I don't need any clothes for awhile, but the day will come, so I should prepare for it now. If I can learn a baseline of how it's done, these things become much less daunting, and I can ignore all the rest. Hopefully. If I start mentally prepping for it now, my complaining will be much less when the day comes, and I can take the advice in good spirit, learn from it, and move on.

Thursday, December 21

Personality test

Just kinda fun.

Personal stats:
Stability |||||||||||||||||| 73%
Orderliness |||||||||| 33%
Extraversion |||||||||||||| 56%

Stability results were high which suggests you are very relaxed, calm, secure, and optimistic..

Orderliness results were moderately low which suggests you are, at times, overly flexible, improvised, and fun seeking at the expense of reliability, work ethic, and long term accomplishment.

Extraversion results were moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting at the expense of developing your own individual interests and internally based identity.

messy, tough, disorganized, fearless, not rule conscious, likes the unknown, rarely worries, rash, attracted to the counter culture, rarely irritated, positive, resilient, abstract, not a perfectionist, risk taker, strange, weird, self reliant, leisurely, dangerous, anti-authority, trusting, optimistic, positive, thrill seeker, likes bizarre things, sarcastic

Monday, December 18

All I ask of myself

This week's blast from the past.

Neurosis-Through Silver in Blood
Sponge-Rotting Pinata
Revolver-Cold Water Flat
Smashing Pumpkins-Siamese Dream
Moby-Everything is Wrong
Spineshank-Height of Callousness.

I've not listened to Neurosis in...years. But now I listen to Isis, Pelican, Jesu, Boris-the followers, if you will. So I'm giving Silver in Blood a real serious listen, to see if I missed something. I expect that, if it's anything like seeing Neurosis live, I'll pretty much want to kill the planet after it's over.

I mean that in a good way, of course.

Thursday, December 14


I'm continuing with my retroactive investigation to albums of yore.

This week, I've been listening to:

Peter Gabriel-Security
Mystery Machine-Headfirst Into Everything
Goo Goo Dolls-Hold Me Up
Jesus Jones-Liquidizer
Mind Funk, s/t
Judas Priest-Painkiller
The Buck Pets-Mercurotones

I chose the Buck Pets, again, because I wanted to see if I should keep this album or sell it. I think there are only 2 songs that really catch me, and I think I'll be burning that album and selling it back. Yay, .5 returns on cds!

Peter Gabriel, of course, holds up just fine. The other albums are good; enjoyable listens, even if I won't carry each of them with me to the desert island.

Friday, December 1


I've been a bit stuck in my writing lately. I just don't know what to write next-what scene should come now.

In a fit of I don't know what, I raided my music collection and pulled out a bunch of CDs I've not listenend to in years. Like 5+ was the standard. 10 if I could manage it.

They are:
Fields of the Nephilim-Earth Inferno
Phil Collins-No Jacket Required
Blue Oyster Cult-Imaginos
Def Leppard-Hysteria
The Buck Pets-To The Quick
Alice In Chains-Facelift
Mark Eitzel-Caught In A Trap...
Faith No More-Angel Dust
Foo Fighters-s/t

You know what? So far, they're pretty cool, still. I've only listened to the first 3 all the way through. Listening to Def Leppard now, and fuck if it isn't catchy. I mean, I don't need to buy another album like that, but it's not bad having one.